It’s the weekend…

Today is Saturday, it’s forecast heavy rain… I’m looking forwards to it, freshen everywhere up a little, hopefully me as well. With that being said, this WAS going to be my last post like this. The writings that I have done over the past few days were a recommendation on how to cope with it all from a very good friend of mine, a man who I have secretly idolised for many years, anyway, I decided to go one step further and share with the people I know and love, to try and help them understand why I am acting in a certain way or whatever. There are a lot of things that when I come to speak about it… my jaw almost locks up… I know my brain is ready for speaking but I physically can’t… I’ve never felt anything like it. So doing it this way, it makes it easier for me to get it out. It has also helped me in the fact that I have had a constant stream of messages from around the world, literally allover, I woke up at 0730 today but didn’t get out of bed until 0840 as I was reading and replaying to all he messages I had received over night…. that is just amazing! I can’t thank you all enough, even if you haven’t sent a message as you don’t know what to say, which is understandable and pretty much what a lot of people have said, the fact that you’re reading this is enough for me, but on the same ruling, I wouldn’t mind if no one read them! I didn’t expect the response that I have got from all of you! As I said in the first post, these are for me, they have fulfilled what I wanted them to do and I don’t want to carry on posting them at the risk of boring a lot of people or making them think that I am only doing this for some form of gratification, reassurance or sympathy. Those that know me, know that I am a quiet and shy person most of the time and these messages are not like me… but you probably also know that I tell good long stories šŸ˜‚. I feel that I want to try to get back to being me, myself. I am still going to be writing a lot down, privately, I haven’t got through it all yet, there are loads of things I’ve not mentioned here, or anywhere as yet as I am still in the process of unravelling it for myself. There are so many things that I cannot and will not pass on, some people don’t understand the magnitude of what has happened, not in a bad way, just because it is incomprehensible unless you were there and saw it, and even then, it is still not easy to process. I saw a 90 second long clip of the scene, I saw myself, even if you don’t know me, you know that it is me, just crouched down next to someone and I robotically get up and move on to the next, it wasn’t hard for me to watch, I was there and experienced it first hand but it did make me realise how big it was! I dropped into conversation, nonchalantly about having to use T-Shirts for tourniquets as I had used the personal tourniquet I always have strapped to my leg… I cannot remember the person that I used that on… that memory may come back to me at some point, I hope it does. Let’s remember that I was there, I walked away, and got to spend my daughters birthday with her and my wife… I am extremely lucky, whichever way you look at it but, and it is a massive but, 119 people’s families, whole families are living with this a lot closer to home than me, death, serious life changing injuries, their lives and their families lives will never be the same again. I’ve got it easy all things considered.
There are going to be a hard couple of ‘events’ for me in the next few days, things that I was asked if I waned to be a part of and I have agreed to, again, to try and help with the process of getting back to normal, whatever that may be, I am looking forwards to them in the most part but still apprehensive at the same time.
When I got up, the house was empty, home alone, party time….šŸ¤” I knew that it was going to be empty, I heard them going out, opportune moment for a bowl of cocopops me thinks, sat in the middle of the floor, chomping away in silence, felt good, oddly! I started to get myself thinking about things, memories, the flashbacks I had when I woke up in the night.
Got myself sorted out, put my shorts on today, wasn’t very comfy in jeans yesterday, I can tell you šŸ˜‰ and I toddled off up to see my tattooist friend and get myself booked in. Glorious sunshine walking down there, with a light breeze, by beard blowing in the wind… that is pretty much the only reason I have a beard šŸ˜‚ Anyway, Before everyone had started on it, I had already thought about getting a tattoo of a moth a few months ago on my right arm, I’d discussed it with work colleagues, I progressed on to it being a colourful bee, but was reminded that it would probably be a bit ‘girly’… so… I may bee getting a tattoo… see what I did there. I am glad to see that this has become a popular thing and that people are donating money in a way that they see is beneficial. Hats off to he people that are donating their time and goods to enable this as well! All my tattoos have a meaning to me, not just because I had Ā£50 or whatever in my pocket and wanted a shit bit of kitchen scratcher ink on my body. They represent times, people and places in my life. So yeah… I think that this just about qualifies. I’m not going to go into great detail as to what it would signify to me, that is for me, people will see the bee and associate it with Manchester and that will be the end of it after all, it is for me, no one else… I’ll be getting the moth as well just so you know.
I walked back home, still warm, but it had clouded over a little and the wind had picked up, my mood hadn’t, in the last few minutes I have had anger… rage anger and guilt. Over the past few days, I have experienced pretty much all the emotions, at once, singly, repeatedly, I expected most of them but not all of them. With the help of a lot of you peeps, I have ‘powered on through’ šŸ˜‰ I cannot thank you enough!
I went to a kids party, one of my daughters school friends, I was trying to do normal things. Got in the car and did the old forgetting the seatbelt, staring into space thing, the couple of hours before the party were not the best, it seems to come in waves and at no specific reason and no specific time and no apparent ‘trigger’. The party was going well, the first balloon popping unexpectedly was a shock, then the woman messing with the PA system and causing massive reverb or whatever and even though the kids running round and screaming was because they were happy and enjoying theirselves, it got me thinking a little more, after I’d calmed down a little of course, to the point where I had a few tears again. I got to watch my little girl having fun with her friends, dancing with a big plastic hat, oversized spectacles and an inflatable microphone and playing with bubbles being blown out of a bubble machine, all priceless really! Sunglasses have been my friend this whole week, they hide when I have been on another planet they’ve also hidden tears well, to a degree anyway šŸ˜‚. I was going to try and not have an alcoholic drink today, but, that’s gone out of the window for now, I’ll just be having the one bottle of beer though.
In closing, thank you for everything over the past few days, you’ve all been a massive help! ā¤ļø šŸšŸ‘šŸ»šŸ‘ŠšŸ»šŸ»

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *