Swimming in rage…

The messages and comments I have had via Facebook have helped and whilst it was the last one that I am going to post on there, the amount of people that have specifically asked if I can carry on doing them, not just for me but for them has been overwhelming to say the least, so here it is a proper blog, how long I will keep it up for, I’m not sure but it is here, and I am keeping it separate from facebook altogether and it takes out the personal feel that has helped me but it has also had the opposite effect, through no body’s fault, just…well….

It was 2030 when I decided to give in and go to bed, I’d had a bad few hours and was feeling a bit down, I didn’t want to just sit on the sofa, I’d got a bag ready for a hike I’d been invited along on and that was it, I knew I was tired, I wanted sleep…. I can remember waking up in the night. I went for a glass of water at one point, but it was at 0845 when I actually wok, looked at the time and realised that I must have needed that, as well as the fact In should have been about 10-15 miles away 15 minutes ago to set off on my hike.
It was a grey and cloudy morning, looked a little we my outside but not torrential downpour kind of wet though…. am I going to get away with wearing my sunglasses today…? I went downstairs and it was time for countryfile and a coffee…had the feeing again where I don’t really want to eat. Sunday is the day my daughter has swimming lessons, I decided that I wanted to go with her, as I normally would on ‘a day off’, we got ready and as we were walking out of the front door, I noticed management had a couple of bags for life under her arm, I asked the simple question ‘are we going shipping after?’ Mainly because I don’t think I wanted to do that just yet. She barked back at me ‘no they live in the car’, well… I’ve you have seen any of the x-men movies, you may know who the character mystique, when she ‘morphs’ into another person, it’s like it does it a square at a time, it’s like dominoes falling actually, anyway, that is exactly what I felt like with the rage coming over me. I get angry, people that know me knows that it takes a lot to flick that switch… this was with the lightning speed of Barry Allen. A walk down the road brought me back down a little. The initial bang of the oak door with 2 panes of glass in was a bit of a shock as well… that was my fault…dick!
I was walking behind my little girl, she was wearing little jeans, a denim jacket, a lilac t-shirt, her favourite colour is purple, she had little converse style, my little pony trainers on and was carrying her swimming bag, she was chunnering on to her mummy, I got thinking how lucky I was, I got thinking how many other daddies had walked behind their little girls once upon a time, thinking the exact same thoughts as me, and will never get the chance to do it again… the rage was gone… guilt set in.
We got to swimming, I made a brew and everything was going ok, then I just had a bit of a, well… flashback I guess you’d call it, I had tears on my cheeks. A few minutes later, there was a young girl, I’d guess that she was 4 years old, she didn’t want her hair brushing after getting out of the pool, she was facing me, looking up at me…and there we have it, it was the same as the little girl stood next to her dead mummy on the floor, within an instant I was stood in the foyer again. The, I assume grandma of this little girl noticed that the little girl was looking at me, she looked between the two of us and said to the girl, ‘look, this man is looking at you and he’s not crying’… well, I was, which was probably a really odd thing to see…
Moments later, the instructor was in the pool and was crying… unbeknown to me, well, apparently I had been told days before, bet I’ve not really been in, even though the lights have been on, that she had two friends that were in that foyer and never left. She knew that I had been there… so then I got thinking, has my being in that room at that time affected her…again, another reason to be upset.
We went home, I sat on the sofa and was staring into space, I was hungry, the first time that I have consciously been hungry and not been given food to eat. I got up and went into the kitchen, I knew there was a pie in the fridge, it was a nice pie, a proper pie, one from the butchers, a nice pork and chorizo one…. I cut it into half ate one, I went back into the kitchen and the other half had gone, as funny as this is now, I went into full on rage mode, I had to go and sit on the bed to calm down a little.
Management had friends that were in the are, so we went and met them with the kids and what not, I was a little quiet but ended up chatting a little… we ended up at a pub… unfortunately 😉 I had my staple ‘Tiger Rut’ brewed down the road from our home, we sat on a bench in the front garden of the place we were… I got a phone call, it was from the station manager at Victoria, he was in the session on Friday, the station will be released from Police custody this evening and before it opens to the public we can go for our visit in the morning…. the sunglasses came down instantly. I know I need to do it, I agreed to do it the other day…. the same day we drove past the flowers at the arena carpark..!
I finished my pint off with the sunglasses on…. ‘what do I wear’ came into my mind… this made me chuckle to myself and also made me sad. All in all, today has been a bad day for me, I am going to have a couple of beers, listen to some music and compose myself tomorrow morning whilst deciding if I am ready to get the train to Piccadilly or to drive and also… what I should wear.

4 Replies to “Swimming in rage…”

  1. Philip well done for writing your blog knowing you as l do l know it’s hard for you but it will help l know it Will and l am sure​ tomorrow will be another one of the hardest days you are going to have but it will help eventually, not tomorrow or the next day but one day you will begin to see things a little differently, don’t rush it just let it heal at its own pace, xx mum xx

  2. Keep at it pal, this really can’t be easy for you.. Tears in my eyes again thinking of what you and everybody involved is going through.

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