Routine

For whatever reason, last nights sleep was crap. It took me ages to go to sleep, I was thinking about the train station, the arena, my mind wandered, not to the best place and definitely not the best to be falling asleep with in all honesty. I was awake at 0500, just sat in bed, until 0700. I was looking forwards to today in a way, today is the first day since the attack where I would actually be alone for the day, which was good and also maybe bad. I was looking forwards to being alone, no one asking how I am, constantly talking at me whilst I just give a vacant stare, getting angry over silly little things, I wasn’t looking forwards to the exact same things though, I didn’t want to vegetate and dwell in it all, I panicked a little and thought to myself, have I kept my mind too active and not been able to process it all properly..? It is the first day where I’ll be thrown into a bit more of a normal routine, doing the school run, which I would be doing normally, even if I was at work. This is a good thing as well, a step in the right direction anyway. I sat watching the breakfast news, hearing horrible stories and some truly heroic stories from the attack in London on Saturday. So many people running towards the danger to help others even though the attackers were still active in their rampage, trying to stop them attacking certain people. 

Then it was mentioned first funeral will take place from the Manchester attack, Elidih, she is back home on the island of Barra, it is very upsetting to see this. Her friend, who she went to hospital with is still in a serious condition, I know that one of my colleagues sat with her for a long time, up until and even after the time that the paramedics were allowed in. I’m sure that these memories will be with him today, even more so than before. 

The ‘One Love’ concert went well last night, from what I can gather. I couldn’t watch it, I didn’t want to watch it, I didn’t want to jinx anything happening… I know that sounds stupid though. I know that I’d’ve got upset watching it and I would be thinking about that Monday… which I was anyway, which is why I had a crap sleep again. As I was brushing my little girls hair, I had tears streaming down my face, a proper cry again. There had been an interview of a mother and daughter that were at the concert on that Monday and they also went yesterday. They had struggled over the past couple of weeks, they were visibly upset. I got to thinking about all the innocent people that witnessed… whatever, that night, even the ones who didn’t necessarily physically see anything, they will still be affected by it all. I still cannot believe how many people know someone that was at the concert. I’ve had messages from people saying that they knew some one, and they’ve been from allover, Liverpool, Sheffield, Leeds, Edinburgh, at the end of my street… everywhere, just goes to show how many people it will have affected, individuals, families. 

The school run went ok, a quick in and out, managed to avoid other parents and any potential awkward conversations as the weather was bad. I got home, brewed some coffee and put on some music and had a bit of a read…. all day. 

My supervisor from work called me later on in the evening, I had a good chat with him, I appreciated the call in all honesty. Reassured me on a few things and shot the breeze, as they say. I’ve not had that today being in my own.